The Last 3 Years

It has been a long time since I have written. Journal, blog, anything more than an occasional tweet. So I am going to start with an update on what has been going on in the 2 years since my last post. Some friends and family do not know about all of this. I am not even sure if I should share, but there is some freedom to be found in laying one's heart bare.

• June 2014: We're pregnant! Beside ourselves with joy. I had just accepted a promotion/stretch assignment at work. Things finally seem to be looking up.

• July 2014: Miscarried our first child. This shattered both my husband and myself. It took a long time to recover for each of us individually and as a couple.

• September 2014: I stepped down from a recent promotion at work. Grieving and working on a pilot program was proving to be too much to deal with at the same time.

• October/November 2014: I took a full month leave from work due to extreme depression and anxiety. I went through the genetic testing mentioned here and here for cancer. My dad was suspended from his police duties due to his fiance calling in about him threatening suicide. They took his badge, police issue weapons, and his radio. They left the privately owned guns. I was asked some questions by the police investigator and complied.

• December 2014: My father was hospitalized for alcoholic gastritis. His fiance moved out and broke up with him. She told me before him. I found out that he knew I had provided a statement to the detective back in November. I felt less safe around him than I ever had previously and lost what little faith I had left in police for protection. Genetic testing results come in and it's confirmed that I do not have BRCA but need to get semi-annual breast cancer screening starting immediately because my risk level is about double that of the general population. Due to my mother's health history, the doctor also recommends starting annual colonoscopies when I turn 40.

• February 2015 - August 2015: Life continues to spiral. Depression is in control of me. My personality has been so transformed that I barely recognize myself. Friends, family, and colleagues are worried about me.

• August 2015: Something has to change. I can't adult anymore. I quit my job.

• September - October 2015: Intensive therapy, self care, and leaning in to my marriage that has been strained by the last few years of heartache after heartache. Relationship with my dad seems to be normalizing and I start relaxing some of the strict boundaries I had with him.

• November 2015: I agree to meet my dad one-on-one for breakfast at a diner. This is a big deal for me, as it is the first time I have spent time alone with him in over a year. He verbally assaults me and I stand up and leave, shaking. Later that day, I sent him a letter outlining the boundaries of our relationship going forward, knowing that the terms are ones he will not accept. I have not spoken to him since this day.

• December 2015 through the present: I have worked about 9 months out of the last 12 in various contract jobs, spending the time in between looking for a long term, stable job and continuing therapy. Depression has improved but we (hubs and I) feel like we're in a holding pattern, longing for some kind of stability.

My motto these days is "It gets worse." My counselor thought it was pessimistic. I told her it is a reminder that what I am experiencing right now is nowhere near as bad as it could be. I find an odd comfort, a bit of strength in that thought. The week after we had this conversation, Donald Trump was elected President of the United States. My motto stands. "It gets worse." And I'm at peace with that. I don't like it, but I am learning to live with reality.

#genetics #cancer #waiting #family #work #journal #itgetsworse